You know, I realized this a long time ago, but I suppose I had forgotten it: People charge for everything. It’s so sad the first time one encounters this reality. It’s heartbreaking. It has happened to every single person I know.
For example, a friend says she’s going to cook for you, just being nice. You go over to her place, enjoy a great meal, compliment “the chef”, then go home with a smile to a warm bed with a full belly.
Two weeks later, you get a phone call from said “friend” saying you owe her for the dinner. How do you feel? Like maybe she never liked you? Like she was never your friend?
Here’s another: You’re in a relationship. You’re in love. The other person says they’re in love also. And everything you two do comes from a place of love.
Then, something goes wrong. Typically, one of you screws up and the love you thought was unconditional… Had some fine print you neglected to read while you were in Cupid’s daze.
Relationships need unconditional love in order for them to last. That means hard work. It means being flexible. It means being able to look past the other person’s faults and looking into their hearts. Then, there’s what you do, what you don’t do, and what you give up for the other person.
It happens with everyone. Sometimes more so with one person than the other in a relationship. Yet, it always happens.
Now, when that something goes wrong, you have two choices really. You can focus on the love or focus on the work. Unfortunately, the latter wins out most times and instead of overcoming the obstacle, there is a split.
And that is when the bill comes.
Things start getting thrown in your face. How much was sacrificed for you. How you got all the attention. How you reaped the benefits of the paycheck. You hear things like, “Do you know what I gave up for you?” “Do you know what I’ve done?”
It’s then that your heart breaks.
Now, I’m going to be as candid about myself in a way I probably shouldn’t.
Aside from avoiding an OCD diagnosis I mentioned in another post, there is something that has held me back for as long as I can remember. I am terrified of being hurt. Mostly because when I was very young, someone told me that I would never be loved unconditionally. That in itself hurt me and I firmly believe I’ve never fully recovered.
With every new time I get hurt, I probably never will. Truth is, it makes me close up more.
I’m not the kind of person who tosses you the check at the end of the evening. I don’t charge for services rendered. Whether with friends or family or in relationships, that’s just not who I am.
I confess, I tried it once. At least, I started to as a backlash to someone who was throwing the past in my face. I heard myself saying those awful words, “I changed for you, I stopped doing -“. The person I was talking to didn’t notice that was all I said. As the words were spilling off my tongue, I was already disgusted that I was uttering something I had always found so reprehensible.
You know the world’s oldest profession? At the end of an evening with a prostitute money exchanges hands. Why? Because it was agreed upon. No one said, “I’m doing this for love”. So, if someone said that to you, but later started throwing it in your face or started “charging”, would you believe anything was done for love? Would you believe you were ever loved in the first place?
How about if someone just volunteers to do something? You get a gift or a favor. Can they throw that in your face later?
When I do something out of kindness do I have the right to charge later?
You’ll say no. Because then it wasn’t really an act of kindness.
If I do something for you, I hope you recognize that it came from the heart. That’s why I do things for people. If you don’t, what’s the point of me highlighting it? Can I call myself a good person if I keep rubbing it in your face? After you do “something nice” for me, should I wait a few weeks, months, or even years, for you to collect?
Tell me something… If people say what they did was out of love, why do I keep getting it thrown in my face? Why do I seem so surprised when it hurts?
Even still, why can’t I do the same?